When Do We Get Smaller?

I was listening to a wonderful episode of This American Life called Kid Logic (you should listen to it). It featured a number of stories about the unusual conclusions kids come to as they seek to make sense of life. 

For example, a little girl gets on an airplane and sits next to an older lady. The plane accelerates and begins to lift off, and the girl looks at the woman and asks, "When do we get smaller?"

She'd seen enormous planes shrink into specks as they flew away. The only explanation was that they (and all those in them) became infinitesimal. I remembered an especially infuriating conversation with my daughter on this exact subject when she insisted that the plans flying over our house were teeny. 

This whole episode made me think of the adage, 

"Kids are amazing observers and terrible interpreters." 

The incredible thing is that some of our childish conclusions follow us stubbornly and subconsciously into adulthood.

This is what psychiatrist M. Scott Peck describes as transference ("The Outdated Map"):

Transference is that set of ways of perceiving and responding to the world which is developed in childhood and which is usually entirely appropriate to the childhood environment (indeed, often life-saving) but which is inappropriately transferred into the adult environment. (The Road Less Traveled) 

I thought about this, and came up with 5 myth/reality couplings to help us distinguish between what is real and the muddled impressionistic holdovers from our childhood. Hope they shed light for you.

(MYTH 1) Adults are always normal and/or right

Here's the deal: I'm an adult now and can't express how weird and wrong I can be some times! I hope my kids can laugh about it some day, but they'll eventually need to recognize the myth of normalcy and/or infallibility.  

For much of childhood parents/adults play a god-role in their kids lives. They establish normal and right. Much of the time this is fine, but much of the time it isn't. Adults do strange, irrational, wrong, weird stuff. Observant kids are often left to try to "make sense" of their behavior (under the presupposition of this myth). This results in many odd conclusions.

I once watch a program about an experiment where someone was given "upside down goggles" to see if their brain could make the adjustments. After a couple weeks it did. They could walk, write, pour, read, etc. upside down. Then they took the goggles off. It took several days for the persons brain to re-adjust. 

Many of us are still learning to understand how "upside down" the world we were presented with as kids really was--it's a disorienting business of letting your heart and soul make the adjustments.

(REALITY 1) Adults are human

Once you let go of myth 1, you can tend toward bitterness or cynicism. Don't. Remember that adults are in the same process of growth that you are. Some are more engaged in it than others. They come by much (most) of their backwardness honestly--it's just the way they've made life work. 

Once you realize this, you can grow into an open-eyed compassion--even for those who have contributed to your own flawed concept of the world or even mistreated you. There begins to be space for forgiveness.

You are now fellow-pilgrims (which is what you were all along).

(MYTH 2) The universe is a rational and/or fair place 

When we try to make sense of life, we tend to think or hope the universe is a rational, fair place. It isn't. Things seldom follow the patterns we've observed--this applies especially to relationships.

Staying on one's toes is a must, but this can be a good thing because...

(REALITY 2) God is never arbitrary

If you believe in the God of the Bible, you know that He is always working. If you are one of His people then it is always for your good! (Rom. 8:28) We reason through the wisdom, power and love expressed on the Cross, and we realize that God is often winking.

Or, as poet William Cowper wrote:

"Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,But trust Him for His grace;Behind a frowning providenceHe hides a smiling face."

Once you stop saying and thinking, That's not fair,  you can begin to embrace the the surprising elegance at work in God's hand. Like it or not, this world is an ongoing surprise party--God likes to cultivate our sense of adventure. (Jer. 2:2)

Annie Dillard put it this way: 

"There are lots of things to see, unwrapped gifts and free surprises. The world is fairly studded and strewn with pennies cast broadside from a generous hand."  (Pilgrim at Tinker Creek)

Don't waste another minute whining. Just wait and see and pretend to be surprised.

(MYTH 3) You are the center of the universe

Kids are ego-centric, and tend to relate to life accordingly. They are the frame of reference, and cannot see beyond their own noses.

They are all like little Descartes saying I think/want/see/feel therefor I am ... at the center of it all. True growth is the result of seeing how you fit into the mix--call it awareness.  

Kids are like cats in that when they are lavished with good they conclude that they are god. 

Adults are like dogs, who, when lavished with good, conclude that God has been generous to them. They begin to think, What would it look like for me to fetch some slippers or a newspaper in response?

(REALITY 3) You are of infinite value 

Infinite? Yes, infinite! Many of you reading this might take exception, but it's true. You are made in God's image! You were made for His glory! This is what necessitated the cross.
The original law against murder took this into account:

"Whoever sheds the blood of man, by man shall his blood be shed; for in the image of God has God made man." (Gen. 9:6) 

In this world we all endure mistreatment. As kids, can tend to think it deserved. But no one deserves mistreatment, and when it is perpetrated it is always a serious wrong. When a parent or friend or anyone treats you without dignity or love, they are wrong not you.  

Embracing this means recognizing it with equanimity. We don't retaliate, but neither do we internalize. When we recognize this, we realize that even we have no right to treat anyone with anything other than dignity. It is a transcending realization! (Incidentally, I wrote a bit more on this here.)

(MYTH 4) You are in control

This myth usually comes in the form of causation. Somehow everything good or bad that happens must have been my fault. A parent's divorce, a friend's rejection, a found treasure. 

We carry this mentality into adulthood through superstition, as though wearing a certain shirt will enable your favorite team to triumph. 

We also carry it on in shame and blame. Our harried conscience can't process all the blame. It wearies of being singled out and responds though recrimination.  

Anxiety--the emotional cancer of our age--also flows from this myth. We are in control and must control every outcome. But how? We can't.  

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Mt. 6:27) None. Ironically, you can subtract hours from your life by worrying.  

When our own personal cosmos gives way to the true, corporate cosmos, we can resume the role of agent. Don't take or dole out blame, just try to do what's right. Take responsibility for the now and forward. Ironically, you probably cause less of what's going on around you than you think, and you can probably affect far more than you think.  

But this requires a willingness to step away from debilitating grip of causation. (Incidentally, there will be many others who'd prefer you to play this game. Don't.)

(REALITY 5) You are not helpless

Regardless of the fact that we are neither the center of the universe nor the cause of much in our lives, yet we are never helpless. When we feel so, we are living in the days of youth. 

You have a voice and a will and a mind and a body and a whole set of tools and relationships at your disposal. No need to pout or skulk or throw a tantrum. Kids do that, but not adults.  

Interrogate those feelings of helplessness, and determine what to do. It may rock a boat or two, or disrupt the convention. If you believe that is wrong then you'll feel helpless, but it isn't. It's part of holding the reigns of your life. Those results are called consequences, and you just need to balance them in without being reckless. 

There is always a course of action in front of you, and a mature way to carry it out.

I remember a friend once saying that as a parent he often got into the most juvenile spats with his kids. He recalled a mantra that he found helpful: 

"Someone is going to have to be the adult here, and it's probably going to have to be me."  

I love that! Make that a mantra in all of life, because we adults are often more childish than we'll admit. 

That's all I have to say except this: there's an argument to be made that all of life is a "growing up into the real".

The Apostle Paul wrote:

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." (1 Cor. 13:11-12)

He was dealing with a infantile congregation, and he was urging them to let go of their childish ways. In the context of the eternal importance of love, we find him saying, 

"Listen. You've got to keep moving forward here. At each crossroad we have a choice of childhood or adulthood.  Stop choosing the former and learn to prefer the latter." 

On the road of life, we may actually "get smaller" if we refuse to do so. When confronted with the choice, we must grow into reality; despite the growing pains!